Have you ever felt so disconnected from yourself that you’re not even aware of what you’re feeling?

I think that’s where I am in life right now. It probably started happening slowly over time, but this overwhelming feeling of detachment feels like it came out of nowhere.

It could be my fear of leaving the job that continues to drain me. Or it could be that my patience is running low while waiting for my community in Christ.

Or possibly the fear of my dog having to have another surgery.

Or could it be the grief I’ve suppressed as I watch my young mother fight the hardest health battle yet? Dementia is a heartbreaking disease.

Life hits all at once sometimes.

But that’s okay, because despite feeling things I can’t quite explain, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come and how far God has brought me.

Although I feel disconnected from myself, I don’t feel disconnected from Him. I have faith that when I’m ready to make the move, God will put me in a position to continue being successful as He always has. I truly believe that in His time, He will bless me with a community in Christ that is beyond what I could have imagined. I know that I am blessed to have the means to get my dog the help she needs and that she will recover and continue to live a full and happy life. And I am grateful that after having cancer 4 times, strokes, and seizures, I still have my mother here with me. I can still call her. I can still hug her. And although things are different now, I can still share laughs and memories with her.

That’s the crazy thing about having a relationship with God and recognizing Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. No matter what I’m going through, I automatically think about the good. I find the blessing in everything and question how He’s using my circumstances to help me grow.

I’m learning that experiencing emotional numbness does not mean that I’m failing spiritually.

Faith and exhaustion can coexist.

I’m still human. And right now, I’m dealing with the very human feeling of having faith yet being tired and just not knowing what to do next.

So, I find myself here. Writing. Releasing. With no real intention behind this post.

Just a young Christian trying to figure out life and letting strangers read my journal.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28